Dear Uncle Benny (if this image is too wide, your screen is too narrow) Ask Uncle Benny
On Horribly In Love

Ask Uncle Benny is YOUR place to ask YOUR questions about love to Horribly in Love's resident agony uncle, strangely enough called Benny. Uncle Benny (sometimes known as Dick) has had a lot of experience with love, and is the perfect man for this site as the originator of the famous line "For I will be horribly in love with her".

(Actually, this isn't entirely true. Uncle Benny is an entirely fictional character, first created by William Shakespeare and since adapted for use in this website by Curlyjimsam. That doesn't mean he can't give good answers, however or perhaps it does ...)

And so - bring forth the questions (and answers, of course):

Tom, 16, of Milton Keynes, writes:

Dear Uncle Benny,
I've been horribly in love with this girl for years now, but the problem is she doesn't love me. Actually, she thinks I'm a crazed psychotic lunatic and avoids me like bird flu. What can I do to solve my problem?
Yours lovesickly,

Uncle Benny responds:

Dear Tom,
This could be highly problematic. If the girl doesn't love you, there is a very high chance she probably never will. However, this needn't necessarily be the case. Sometimes what seems to be intense hatred actually masks a deep desire - trust me, I know. Also, it helps to give a good impression. Try joining the army, getting a lot of posh friends, growing a sexy beard, and dancing in fountains. Like me, for instance.
Good luck,
Uncle Benny.

Edward, 94, of Blackpool, writes:

Dear Uncle Benny,
I've been horribly in love a lot of times in my life - and mostly been very successful, too - but after my third hip replacement it just seems like all the ladies are ignoring me. There's this one girl at the care home - Gladys, she's called, with a lovely white hair and a beautiful set of false teeth, and quite young too (only 86) - but the problem is she doesn't seem to ever take any notice of me. Of course, this might be because she's stone deaf and has a sight range of about four inches, but then again it might not. Help me, Uncle Benny.
Yours arthritically,

Uncle Benny responds:

Dear Edward,
Oh dear, we are in trouble aren't we? But just remember, you're never too old to be horribly in love. You say you've been very successful in the past and there's no reason you shouldn't be successful again. Perhaps Gladys just needs a bit of encouragement, that's all. Try giving her some flowers or even a new Zimmer frame.
Go for it,
Uncle Benny.

HiL heart

The website Horribly in Love (at and assorted original material is copyright © James Baker ('Curlyjimsam') 2006. Much Ado About Nothing, Benedick, "For I will be horribly in love with her" etc. created by W. Shakespeare 1598-99, but he's dead and won't care much. Plus, he was bald.

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